"i cry inside of me.. cos i noe i'll nvr feel thier love again.."

i'm pathetic. i'm loser. yeah. so wat? do i try to hard to be happy? or do i not? i dun get it. y is the whole against me? y i dun get it.. life was so meaningful last year when i 1st had "z".. den came "s".. life's great! luv my frens n family. but now? y everythin like dat? i feel so unjustified. everythins goin wrong. i'm pretending to be sumtin i dun want too. i dunno y.. i hate to be like dis. i hate. i try to make mum happy but noe, she luv's the otehr 2 kids more. yeah so u say u dun. but i feel it. i feel dat ur against me. is it bcos im a big time failure?! i noe, i am. but can dun be sarcastic can? u said i suck. weel yeah. a mother's curse last foreva. i dun get it. u put in me a position where i cant even find the space to love n to care 4 u. i cant. i dun feel ur luv. i dun feel ur care, ur concern. i wanna haf those times when even the simplest ques such as "haf u eaten" make me feel dat i'm loved. i dun get it. dad's not as bad as u r. u get angry when we tell dad our probs but do u even make dat effort to come to us..? haf u eva? ask urself lar. no use writin all dis. she'll nvr noe. how i wish she can read my mind.. hais. not only my mum, even my sis turn to ousiders for help. so heck. i'll just keep to myself. yeah. maybe dat way, i'll be more luved cos i dun say the wrong things.

den the otehr part of life. i dun get it. y in my darkest most deepest hour when i wanted u, u weren't der? now u r when i haf him. i dunno. u want me back. but heck. i'm tryin to ignore all dis stupid feelingsd dat u bring back. i'm so glad dat i'm over "s" but den now u 2. just fuck off can cos i dun want to be wit anyone of u now. i hate dat.

just so many things left undone, unsaid, untouched. i cant take it nimore. serious. damn the reason y i became like dis. i so hate it. i'm so jealous of ppl who's life haf everythin in place. y dem not me? did i do so many things wrong? did i? hais.. i dunno. i wanna go back to wat i was. cheerful, dun care bout small things n can get over off anythin easily. the me now is so wat i'm not.

lastly, mom. i'm sorry for hurting u. i'm sorry if i said the wrong words. i'm sorry. i dun care if u dun wanna compromise or wat. but im sorry. cos i noe u'll nvr will..

-to often we let small things let us down. to often we dun care. too often we try too hard. =(((
[[life sux]]